Feeling a Little Glum Chum

I don’t even know what’s up.

I thought I was having a reasonably good day.  I woke up at my version of early and then managed to sneak past the dog, go to the bathroom and get back into bed.

She heard me (the dog) but I’m thinking she decided I must have been her imagination because after a few seconds of hearing her standing at attention, expecting breakfast to be on the horizon, she collapsed in a thud on the floor again and I went back to sleep for a couple more hours.  Awesome.

So, with lots of sleep and with my relatively new “I’ll do me” attitude I went off to seize the day.  I chatted with JB for a while and then got myself OFF  the couch and went to be creative for a while.  That was awesome.  I haven’t done much in that compartment of my life in well over a year (carpal tunnel surgery) and after a few minutes in I was ‘in the zone’ again… music on, letting my hands just take over and next thing I knew, hours had passed by in a blink.

But now, I feel ‘blah’.  I don’t ‘feel’ like doing anything and can’t convince myself to do it anyway….

I have a poorly written blog post from the other night that I can’t seem to fix.  My plan to start writing regularly is sinking in the quagmire of fallen aspirations.. and I’m trying to save it with this?   weak.

On the up side, ‘this’ is better than nothing.  Tomorrow is another day.

Lets Go Fishing

There is no good reason for me to make my first post on this blog – this year – to be about online dating.  I guess I could lie and say that I chose it because it’s backwards chronological but that just isn’t true and I don’t really do “not true” as a habit.

So the thing that I’ve been doing a lot of recently is online dating.

Or at least, hanging around on online dating sites.

Really, I’m not desperate to get hooked up again – ah see, a fish pun that I hadn’t ever noticed before!   I really, when I take the time to notice, am enjoying my singleness most of the time.  I am in no hurry to couple up.  But, I sincerely believe there is a “one” for me … or at least, I sincerely hope there is a “one” for me and I kind of feel like I have to be doing some sort of rainbow flag waving – look I’m here ish kind of thing so that my “one” can find me.  So I joined Plenty of Fish.

Now I know, the site doesn’t have an amazing reputation – but, the great advantage over other sites is that it’s very free.  And for free, you can do most of the things that you need to do on a dating site.  You can likely, if you are the right kind of fish, not ever need to pay money to find a date, or even ‘the one’.

That said, I’m not what I would consider “the right kind of fish”.

Oh I’m perfectly awesome, several people, aside from me, would even agree with that statement. However, one would have to get to know me to be sure and that’s hard on a dating site, when you’re in a 58 year old package that has done battle with breast cancer and a multitude of other atrocious things from wild teenage years, several surgeries, poor diet and exercise habits etc., etc.,.. you know… life.

What’s that expression?

If I’d known I’d live this long I would have taken better care of myself.  True that.  Also a little late.  Oh well.

So, here I am, twice married to men, lesbian at 53, multiple war wounds and a wrinkle worthy life and I’m posting selfies on a dating site to say “here I am!  LOOK at me – I’m awesome” (in case ‘the one’ happens by)

sheesh.  There doesn’t seem to be a manual for Online dating for Lesbians anywhere – so I’m winging it.   And I have hope, I was successful once, 5 years ago.

One thing I’ve learned is that it’s a bit like a train wreck.  Hard to look at, hard to look away….  and if you aren’t careful, you can start hanging your self worth on your fishing pole and get sucked into the weeds pretty quickly if you don’t keep your eye on what the hell you’re doing there in the first place.

Strangely enough, I started to feel desperate because I wasn’t connecting with many prospects.   The few I connected with didn’t have any neon lights saying “the one” or at least they haven’t turned them on yet.  But then I remembered – I’m not in a hurry.  So that’s when I decided to fill my extra time ( derived from being single and having independent children), with enjoyable pursuits such as blogging and creating.

and… that is 1 blog post complete.

~~~ peace out.

Sisters

Current Mood:Sad emoticon Sad

I’ve been on this life long journey to bond with my sister.  We’ve been sisters for 55 years (less 4 days) and we’ve never really been able to get it right and sustain it.

Sure, we’ve had periods during which almost any observer would say we were ‘tight’ but, what the observer wouldn’t likely know is that those periods are fleeting… maybe a couple of days or maybe a few weeks or even maybe once, a few months but that’s it.

While I’ve been warned that finding the source of problems doesn’t erase the problem, I personally feel a little better about things if I can find a clear cause – or at least one to hang a little blame on – it still ends up being “it just worked out that way” but, I don’t know.. it somehow helps.

So let’s start with what happened 54 years and 361 days ago.  Right.  yes.  My sister was born.

And also on that day?  I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency tracheotomy.

tra·che·ot·o·my

trākēˈädəmē/

noun

MEDICINE

an incision in the windpipe made to relieve an obstruction to breathing.

Not like I planned it… that I remember… I was 2 1/2 but you know, it’s one of those stories that for years everyone was still talking about the day she was born and the grandmothers deciding I needed to go to the hospital and me wheezing out “I want to wear my new blue dress” and the story of the day she was born was relegated to a detail in the story about the day I went to the hospital and got a hole cut in my throat.

I don’t remember anyone ever talking about the day I was born at all.  Ever.  In fact, I think I asked my mother once what time I was born and she said she thought it was around 8 o’clock.  I think she meant at night but I’m not really sure; and, well they are all dead now – the entire bunch – so there is no one left to ask.  We are all that’s left.

We are all there is.

Oh sure,  we each have our own kids now and perhaps there is hope for grandchildren and from the dirt, we will rise – but we are bondless.  That makes me sad.

Why did I decide to write this today? I read on social media that she started a new job today and well, it just felt like something I might have known about before it happened.  I think it’s typically the kind of thing you might converse about on the phone, like “oh hey, I have a job interview tomorrow…..” but that didn’t happen.

I’ve been trying to fix it.  I’ve been trying to fix it for years.  However, I stopped trying last year for a few months because I got tired of feeling like I was the only one that did try and feeling like I was also the one that was always disappointed when plans made didn’t ever come to fruition.  So, in a fit worthy of any 14 year old drama queen, I announced that I was “done” and that I couldn’t take it anymore… the endless cancellations, plans that never finalized, unreturned calls.  Her response?  “It’s always about you isn’t it?”.

See?  But true enough, even her birthday was all about me – maybe she has a basis for feeling second.  If only she knew how much first she is in my heart.

So… we are talking again, without ever really talking about it and on it goes.

I call her Lucy.  I am Charlie Brown.  Always expecting that this will be the time I get to kick the football and as always – she pulls it away and I fall flat on my back.  Good Grief.

 (credit to http://peanuts.wikia.com for the  image)

Day One.

It will have to wait.

I’ve spent all evening just getting this blog site set up to be aesthetically pleasing and now I need to have something to say to mark the momentous occasion.  This isn’t it.

On Day Two I’ll come up with a fitting beginning to this blog.