Current Mood: Sad
I’ve been on this life long journey to bond with my sister. We’ve been sisters for 55 years (less 4 days) and we’ve never really been able to get it right and sustain it.
Sure, we’ve had periods during which almost any observer would say we were ‘tight’ but, what the observer wouldn’t likely know is that those periods are fleeting… maybe a couple of days or maybe a few weeks or even maybe once, a few months but that’s it.
While I’ve been warned that finding the source of problems doesn’t erase the problem, I personally feel a little better about things if I can find a clear cause – or at least one to hang a little blame on – it still ends up being “it just worked out that way” but, I don’t know.. it somehow helps.
So let’s start with what happened 54 years and 361 days ago. Right. yes. My sister was born.
And also on that day? I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency tracheotomy.
an incision in the windpipe made to relieve an obstruction to breathing.
Not like I planned it… that I remember… I was 2 1/2 but you know, it’s one of those stories that for years everyone was still talking about the day she was born and the grandmothers deciding I needed to go to the hospital and me wheezing out “I want to wear my new blue dress” and the story of the day she was born was relegated to a detail in the story about the day I went to the hospital and got a hole cut in my throat.
I don’t remember anyone ever talking about the day I was born at all. Ever. In fact, I think I asked my mother once what time I was born and she said she thought it was around 8 o’clock. I think she meant at night but I’m not really sure; and, well they are all dead now – the entire bunch – so there is no one left to ask. We are all that’s left.
We are all there is.
Oh sure, we each have our own kids now and perhaps there is hope for grandchildren and from the dirt, we will rise – but we are bondless. That makes me sad.
Why did I decide to write this today? I read on social media that she started a new job today and well, it just felt like something I might have known about before it happened. I think it’s typically the kind of thing you might converse about on the phone, like “oh hey, I have a job interview tomorrow…..” but that didn’t happen.
I’ve been trying to fix it. I’ve been trying to fix it for years. However, I stopped trying last year for a few months because I got tired of feeling like I was the only one that did try and feeling like I was also the one that was always disappointed when plans made didn’t ever come to fruition. So, in a fit worthy of any 14 year old drama queen, I announced that I was “done” and that I couldn’t take it anymore… the endless cancellations, plans that never finalized, unreturned calls. Her response? “It’s always about you isn’t it?”.
See? But true enough, even her birthday was all about me – maybe she has a basis for feeling second. If only she knew how much first she is in my heart.
So… we are talking again, without ever really talking about it and on it goes.
I call her Lucy. I am Charlie Brown. Always expecting that this will be the time I get to kick the football and as always – she pulls it away and I fall flat on my back. Good Grief.