Go F*** Yourself

Hey, this is supposed to be a family friendly blog – well, not really – it doesn’t really make it to the ‘G rated’ place when I talk about having breasts chopped off and new ones put in and nipple placement and, while it is something people should know about at some point, I wouldn’t want my daughter or son learning about breast cancer, chemo and all that mess via someone’s blog post – so no, I’m not entirely family friendly and this category definitely is NOT family friendly.

This is where I’m going to scrape people out from underneath my skin – those people that despite my best efforts manage to piss me off to the point that the only thing that is going to make me feel better is to virtually scream obscenities at them.

I would imagine, most of the time the object of my wrath is going to be someone that I don’t feel that I can openly say “go f*** yourself” for one reason or another…. but… if they happen across my blog and somehow recognise themselves, well, not much I can do about that is there?  Of course there is.  I could keep my rant to myself, I could make it a private post, I could do the mature thing and write it down and throw it away but somehow those things don’t seem very cathartic.

So, this, among many other of my favourite new ideas came about after listening to a pod-cast and I feel somewhat dishonest in using it – I thought I should probably re-name it and that I didn’t have to use the name verbatim – but so far, I haven’t been able to come up with anything that quite has the same impact…  Although, Alison Rosen actually says “Hey, Go F*** Yourself” and I didn’t do that.

Anyway, when I heard it the first time I wasn’t quite sure I liked it but the more I thought about it … the more I thought hmmm this is really quite a fine idea and what the hell?

There is a book or a poem or something about an old woman that decides that she should be able to wear purple hats… oh here it is!

 

Warning – When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple
By Jenny Joseph

 

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
and learn to spit.

 

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

 

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

 

So yeah, this is my ‘purple hat’ and this is where I will wear it and if you don’t like it, well, then, you can just ‘go f*** yourself’!

and thanks for checking in!

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Happy In A List

I have an aspiration to become OCD.  I mean in the real sense – obsessive compulsive as opposed to the OCD I already have which is really ‘obsessive chaotic dissorganizational disorder’. – that would actually be OCDD Wouldn’t it.  see- I cant even organise those letters appropriately!

I really don’t want to be obsessive. Obsessive isn’t a good thing to be  – about anything  – I really just want to…. ummm… make things in my life somewhat more in control than they typically are.  That is not to say that I want to control people or even things – I have evolved enough to know that at best, control,  in that sense,  is an illusion.

let me start here.  Recently I’ve taken to listening to pod-casts en  route to the office.  This, by the way is to keep my mind off of the ‘joy of life sucking traffic’  that has threatened to obscond with my sanity.  Anyway,  my friend M (not as in James bond ‘M ‘ – just M as in an initial)  often speaks about this or that she’s heard on a podcast and this came to mind one night after a particularly harrowing traffic experience and I said to my self…  “self,  perhaps a podcast would distract me from the JOLST – you – I – We should try that ”  we all agreed and looked for and found a likely suspect in “Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend ” .

So. I have been happili-er commuting to alison’s podcast for a few weeks and even though it is dating/relationship themed,  I am enjoying the conversations she has with her guests so much that I often wish I could be a part of the conversation or alterntely, am  inspired to want talk about something the podcast has made me think about.

The guest I listened to on yesterday’s ride,  James Gunn, is who inspired the whole OCDD thing.  Oh, and by the way, I am not listening to the pod-casts in order and I am concerned that once I catch up and have heard all of them I will have 3 days a week with JOLST time to fill up!

Meanwhile, back to the train of thought; James and Alison were discussing relationships and, as is often the case,  self examination of themselves and James said that he has a list of things he has narrowed down that if he does them every day,  he maintains a level of happiness.  He did recite them but it doesn’t matter what the list consists of because its going to be a personal thing -but that’s what I want do – develop my list – my own peronalized happiness list.

Sounds good right? true -and I believe it is a good thing but there will be things on the list that I will resist – like excersise. I know that I feel better when I ecersise than when I don’t.  Its not news or novel – no one can argue this – its common knowledge. But,  regardless, I am not the only person on the planet that spends more time talking myself out of doing it than actually doing it.  To that end I believe a check list might be something I can make work for me – at least I hope I can.

So, step one of operation  ‘Happy List’ –  plan to make a list.  This is going to be a process. Check!

I already have one item on my happiness list and that is to blog every day – item 1 of 1 – Check!

I feel happier already.

Thanks for Checking in.

 

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Introversion

I am not mad or depressed or antisocial - I just need to not talk to anyone for a while and that's okYears ago, while reading a parenting book, I stumbled upon the personality characteristics of introvert and extrovert.  I knew about these traits but I had always called them ‘shy’ and  ‘not shy’.  Who knew that there was more to it than that?

I haven’t really given it too much more thought – I was content to know that my shyness was not a symptom of some antisocial behaviour chacteristic nor did it mean that I was a coward or a snob or a people hater.  I like people just fine – I just happen to prefer them in smaller doses than does the average extrovert.

Now it’s been probably 10-15 years at least since I happened across this little peace.   Yes, I spelled that correctly.

Learning that I am an introvert is peace.  It has helped me to know that having time alone will make me feel better when I feel out of sync.  It has helped me explain to the man that asking me 401 more times “what’s wrong” will do nothing but aggravate me if I am not ready to talk about it (he is an extrovert).  It has helped me to accept that feeling uncomfortable speaking in front of a crowd is normal for me and it has helped me feel fine about using the phrase “give me a minute to think about it”.  In general, since these are a mere ‘off the top of my head’ few things that make my life better by understanding my ‘self’ just a little better.

So why after all these years has this now become a ‘thing’ again?  A couple of reasons…

The first is that I was reflecting… one of those things that happens when I get alone time… that when I think about my childhood and my parents and my upbringing, one of the things I note is that we  weren’t particularly strong at the outward displays of emotion end of things.  There was not a lot – ok – none hugging – there was none hugging in my family.  Perhaps a little when being reunited with Nana after a long time between visits but no hugging, very very little cuddling… just not a lot of physical contact.

I’ve noticed that I lean in the same direction.  It makes me a little sad.  I am trying to fix it.

While being an introvert is a personality trait, it’s not cast in stone – you aren’t “either” an introvert “or” an “extrovert”.  Some people have very strong leanings one way or the other but I doubt anyone is 100% one or the other.  I can function in a crowd, I can speak in front of people (I don’t like it but I can), and I can be affectionate and cuddly – it’s just something I’m not accustomed to – I can become more accustomed to it – I know I can – I just have to focus a bit.

I also want to explain it to my kids.  I don’t want them to think I don’t like them.  I don’t want them to think of me as stern – like I thought of my mother and I want them to understand that liking to be alone does not equal not wanting to be with them.

What makes it difficult is that while the boys seem to lean towards introversion, the girl is definitely and extrovert.  I’m sure that being the only girl, being the youngest and having a conflicting personality type with your mom is probably a little hard to understand when you are 9.  So I want to explain it to her.

I also want to explain it to the boys.  I want them to understand their nature now and not have just ‘deal with’ the differences without understanding like I did.

Even though it appears that there is a pretty even split between the inros and the extros in society, extroversion is considered the “norm” in this part of the world anyway and so, because being an “out there” kind of person is considered normal – when you don’t want to go to every party, when you don’t want to hang at the mall and you don’t want to go to the dance or a concert, it can make you feel ‘abnormal’ and I need my boys to know that they are not.

I think everyone should be comfortable being in a room with only themselves now and again… so my new mission is to help my kids learn that that’s ok – and it can be nice, even if only once and a while.

The second thing that has brought this issue to my attention is work.  For years I worked at home a couple of days a week and that was great for getting things done that needed strong focus and attention.  I could, in my home, close a door, leave a room, or simply ask everyone to leave me alone to do something that required me to be uninterrupted for a while.

Now, I don’t work at home so much and I’m actually finding the time in the office wearing on me.  We don’t have walls in our office, at least not many of them and NONE of them are mine.  I also sit in an area that is central to everyone and every thing.  I’m close to the front door, the factory door, the kitchen door, the meeting room door – it’s very hard to maintain focus here. I don’t have a solution to this problem yet – but give me a minute to think about it.

Thanks for checking in

 

Credit for the graphic – found on pintrest – borrowed from Words

 

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Solitude

“Theo was cursed with an artist’s soul but no talent. He possessed the angst and the inspiration but not the means to create” Christopher Moore (The Lust Lizard of Pine Cove)

That’s me – I can write a little but the story has to be evident – I don’t conjure – often. My paintings are done in my mind – I don’t have the courage to try putting them on something someone else can see. I can sing with passion and soul, but cannot follow a tune. I’ve no talent to speak of. Someone is meant to be the audience. Most often, that is the part that I’m particularly good at.

So, although it may appear that I have been away – truthfully, the lack of new material on my blog does not accurately indicate my presence – or lack thereof.

I am here, I have been experiencing life on a regular – even daily – basis – I just have no motivation to write anything about the experience but today, I thought I’d check in.

I am being self indulgent this weekend. I am camping – alone. Not just alone in that I’m the only one in the camper, but almost alone in the park – something that is only typical in the ‘off season’. The fact that there is only one place within reasonable driving distance that is open to campers at this time of year and there are only a handful of campers, even in this remarkably odd summer like March weather, seems to indicate that if nothing else, my passion for being ‘alone’ might appear to others – a little eccentric… the fact of the matter is that I’m just your standard run of the mill introvert but I’ll take eccentric…. if it allows me to indulge in solitude every now and again.

I do have the chicken dog with me. No, not a mutant animal breed, a real dog – with the personality of a stereotypical chicken (I have heard rumours that chickens aren’t really afraid of everything). I haven’t been able to coax the big baby out of the trailer since I opened the awning earlier today. She’s deathly afraid of the awning.

So this weekend, the chicken dog and I have been deliciously lazy – eating, drinking coffee, reading Christopher Moore books, listening to music and sometimes doing nothing more than looking inside instead of outside, not talking, not listening, breathing, partaking of the solitude, recharging my batteries.

Ok, well I’ve been doing those things, the chicken dog has been laying on the couch emitting a presence while I have been indulging but she doesn’t seem to be disturbed or offended by my lack of interaction – she, like me, is just happy to “be” this weekend.

Perhaps, with my batteries freshly charged, my inner artist will come out to play – one can only hope.

Thanks for checking in…

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It’s a Benalyn Day

I’m not feeling so very good today.  That silly cold that crept up on me before New Years is still lurking around causing me grief. Not BIG grief – not even the kind that you can do generally acceptable whining about – just the kind that makes you want to go be comfortable somewhere.

The big issue, for me anyway, is finding the comfort.  I had/have a list of symptoms that were contributing to my discomfort and  while some were related, not all were and there didn’t seem to be just one thing that would resolve them all, or even resolve them all enough to achieve “comfortable”.

So, I whined to ‘him’ and even though he’s having his own battles with the evil of discomfort, he was sympathetic and understanding which in and of itself is somewhat comforting.  So, he listened while I bemoaned the cold, the chest cough, the nose drip and the throat tickle, the ever so small head ache, the ear tingle, dry lips and  the back achy, the stupid awareness of my chest muscles and the irritating teeth… then… he didn’t even flinch when I suggested a benalyn day might just be the answer.  I see some major good karma coming for him soon!

So here I am, comfy clothes, computer, kindle, television and a cuppa tea with the whole world locked OUTside my bedroom door. hmmm…. damn very nearly comfortable.

The only productive thing I’ve done today – if you could call it productive – was to stop the count down on my quit smoking spot on this blog because today…. drum roll please….. today is my 1 year anniversary.  I am now one year smoke free.

I will be leaving the counter there – just because.

Thanks for checking in…….

 

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